NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

  Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978); you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for The Middle East where you will join either the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the Third Foot and Mouth.

  Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of what they claim was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.

  Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

· Combat Jacket
· Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
· Tin helmet
· Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
· Gas mask
· Map of the combat zone (the ordinance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do)
· Rifle or Shotgun From your Cupboard up Stairs
· Ammunition (to suit previous item)
· Suntan oil

  There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

· The Guns of Navarone
· Kelly's Heroes
· A Bridge Too Far
· The Longest Day
· Apocalypse Now
· The Matrix
· Blazing Saddles
· The Desert Song
· Mary Poppins
· It Aint Half Hot Mum
· Star Ship Troopers

  We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum. To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,                           T. King, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush - Blair Production       ..     Sponsored by Nars, The Official snack of World War III

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